cleaning house

Sometimes I wonder if others ever have those weeks when it seems as if every part of your life is being shaken up and you have to wait for things to resettle before picking up your habits and getting back to the normal way of living life. Most of the things for me, are things that I am just used to dealing with daily like friends, my church, my family, going to the gym, music, work, conversations, meals, my room, my faith and sports. Yet for some reason- these past two weeks have been overload of "think about this" " what's the connection between X & Y?" "why are you avoiding Z?" "how is W helping you grow?" "have you ever really dealt properly with V? if not, why?"

This whole year since graduating and leaving Wellesley, I feel as if I have been standing outside as it is starting to rain- first a few droplets which go unnoticed, then a slight pitter-patter which is refreshing, and as time passes the raining becomes more noticeable and more persistent. Right now I feel like I've just noticed it is no longer 'spitlets' but a steady downpour and I do not know when or where it started, or why I am standing out here without an umbrella. I think in images to help myself understand what's going on- words can get a little confusing, so I'm sorry if these words are not quite clear.

Most people go through 'finding themselves' while in College- figuring out how their past has shaped them and where they want to go in life. Wellesley sheltered me in a lot of ways. While I did do some 'finding' of myself, I was so bombarded with new people and ideas that I pretty much only spent my time investing and figuring out the people around me. I tend to be more interested in listening to others than to myself, or seeking out who someone else is than understanding myself. This year has thrown that upside down for me, and as a few friends have said, "It's about time."

I started off the year making a commitment to not get involved in a relationship but rather focus on God, adjusting to life post-college, my friends, family and ministry with WIVCF. I knew there were things I needed to learn and thus needed the space, time and energy to devote to them rather than being distracted or needing to invest heavily in one individual. Yet as life started rolling, I am a creature of habit and again filled my time with people. New people- students on campus, my new staff colleagues, neighbors, friends' boyfriends, professors. Anyone and everyone. Except myself. I don't know why, but when I need the most alone/me time- it is when I feel guiltiest to take time to myself and then go out and set-up even more hang-outs with friends to keep myself busy and always on the go. I get energy from people, but I do not get self-introspection from others. And I think that is partly why I enjoy being around people so much. I don't want to know the workings behind my actions, I"m scared I won't like what I see and I appreciate having a positive outlook on life & myself right now. I've gone through the years of disliking myself and would like to be content for a little while before tearing up all the crap that needs to be dealt with.

But God has a different plan. He's been ripping up that crap from my life and showing it to me like we are cleaning house- the cobwebs under the stairs that I just didn't want to bother with so I put a bookcase in front of, or the piles of old junk in the attic which I had conveniently locked up and tried to forget where I'd put the key. I am more aware of this now than ever before since for the season of Lent I've given up Gchat- my escape from myself into the lives of others. I enjoy hearing how others are doing, knowing what they are learning, doing, how God is at work in their lives, joys, laughs, sorrows, and how I can be a supportive sister to them. I can spend so many hours on Gchat connecting and growing in friendships, that I avoid the pain of looking into my own life to figure things out. Until God places other friends into those conversations to do the self-examination for me: friends who see my life and see how I'm running away from dealing with problems, or ask me to examine and explain to them how my actions or thoughts line up with commitments they've heard me say, or values they've heard me share. It's amazing how God will use others to knock on the door to your life when you have come to recognize His knock and choose not to answer it.

I now have time and space to sit and wrestle with the dirt and mold that is accumulating in this house of my life- recognizing that as with anything else, the longer you let it sit and accumulate, the uglier & dirtier it becomes, and harder it is to clean it all out later down the road.

I have always said- the state of my room is a reflection of my mind and my life: my room was drastically bothering me for the longest time so I was just avoiding it and living in other places during the day to just come home and crash at night. I knew I couldn't do anything even if I wanted to to change it by myself, so I asked a good friend to come and help me reorganize & clean out my room so I can now be at ease here and feel at home. It is now time to do the same thing with the rest of my life.

Sadness

I <3 L. Coles.
I know he's hot and cold- sometimes has amazing catches and sometimes drops things right through his hands that should have been gaurantees.
However I will miss him.
He's one of our 'veterans' of sorts as we've been rotating through so many players these past four years- and he brings a lot of unity and solidarity to the team. Leadership in ways too.
I take comfort knowing that they left on good terms and that there is still a small chance they might resign him- it just makes me sad that they didn't offer him a long-term deal for him to accept to finish his career with the Jets originally/in the first place which made them release him to potentially be signed elsewhere.

:0(

And this is where I realize I miss gchat where I can share my sadness with other sports loving friends who would understand rather than only to those who try to comfort/support but don't have the same empathy for the situation. Gotta love the fundraising evenings where I get to catch up on my sports news and watch ESPN while doing the mindless tasks of stuffing, addressing and stamping envelopes.

Making Space for God

I have neglected my blog for some months now. It is sort of a reflection of how my life has been- no time or space for anything. That is why I've decided to create space this period of lent by giving up Gchat. I hope that I can create space for God in ways I've sometimes neglected in the recent past- however I don't want to set-up standards that I know I will fail at. Sometimes I feel Christians get too locked into following strict rules and a 'set-examplary' disciplines, and forget the heart behind those disciplines. For example: Devos.

Everyone is always talking about how they are struggling with doing regular devos. It's so hard to find time to read, I don't get anything out of reading, I fall asleep, I've read it so many times before, I have no time, no energy, no motivation....etc. While it is important to read God's Word, and meditate on what He tells us through His word, reading the Bible is not the only way to connect with God. Instead of seeking out time each day to spend in our Lord's presence, people beat themselves up over not doing the 1 thing "every good Christian" must do each day. There is no tally list in heaven where God sits there watching and checking off "Has she done her 20 min of Bible reading today? Has he? Ooops, no stars for her she's missed it 3 days in a row". God desires to spend time with us- to be in His presence, whether that is through music, art, sports, conversations, quiet meditation, journaling, prayer, reading (Bible or other things), just sitting and RESTING in His peace. There are many other ways to connect with Him too. It's been freeing for me to realize I don't need to judge myself if I connect with God while shooting hoops, tossing a disc, lifting in the gym, playing guitar, singing, or just journaling. Yes, I connect with God in prayer- but God did not create us to be only souls.

God created us as human beings with a mind, body, heart and soul. That means- if we reflect God's image- God is a part of each of those parts of who we are and therefore we can connect with God in all of those various ways. Reading is good for the mind- but how does it help the body? Maybe what we learn through reading is beneficial to put into action for our body- such as not going out and destroying our liver by getting drunk every weekend. But I believe it is more than just learning 'good rules for life' that apply to the body, heart and soul. I connect with God in prayer, worship and learn more of who He is/His promises in Scripture. But I experience His love when with my friends in conversation, I experience His joy when singing and dancing around my room, I experience His glory and a more calm/pleasant sense of who He's made me to be when working out or playing a sport, I experience His beauty when taking walks along the water or hiking New England trails. There is a way that my body needs to meet God in His presence that cannot happen by just sitting and reading the Bible quietly in my room each night. He created my body to move- so it needs to be moving to feel satisfaction and be filled with the glory that comes from the purpose He created it for. The same is true for my heart- it needs to be in relationship, open, vulnerable, pouring out praises and sharing in times of sorrow- both with God but also with the community He's placed me in. God created us for community- I need to experience that community to feel His presence in a way that is different than just reading about it or spending time alone with Him.

All these things are good things- but they all need to come with balance. That is why I am excited for this season of Lent- to create space to meet with God. I don't know how that will look each day, but I pray that I will be able to actively use the time I otherwise would have been wasting away in mostly meaningless/frivilous gchat conversations to experience His presence in a deeper way these next 40 days. I will be journaling, dancing, singing, sleeping, working, playing, talking, cooking, reading, praying, crying, writing, creating and just living with God in the space that once was eaten up by gchat.

I hope each of you also find a way to makes space for God in your lives each day during this season of lent.

the day before Thanksgiving

Today is the first day that I will admit it is now 'winter'. They started playing Christmas songs on the oldies radio station a week or two before Halloween which I adimently refused to listen to- who wants to be reminded of snow and ice when it's still sunny outside with beautiful foliage on the trees or it's a crisp 60 degree day? There are still two more holidays between then and Christmas...no Christmas music for me thank you. Today however- despite Thanksgiving still being a day away and thus Christmas not quite yet the next major holiday in my calendar- I had to pull out the ice scraper out of my trunk to scrape and brush off the ice that had coated my front and back windshields. I also had my car running, trying to heat up the glass from the inside while scraping but alas, it is indeed winter and takes a good 5 minutes before the vents start blowing out warm or hot air rather than a cool breeze.

It's Boston- it's winter :) I'm okay with listening to Christmas music now


On another note: the first day I get to work before 8:30 everyone is out of the office. I am the only person in the whole building today that I can find. Yes, I am required to be here even without any students or faculty around. Maybe after finishing up my last few projects before break I'll spend some time reorganizing the receipts or making new labels for all the files that might be worn out or smugged after years' worth of fingerprints on them. Lunch break will definitely be one spent at the gym- I need a little something to break up this day :)

some questions on my mind

There's been a lot going through my mind recently- many times that I wished I was around a computer or journal to write things down. But alas most of them pass in and out, with only a few that stick around. And then there are the ones that seem forever linked to each other. Here is just one of the spirals of questions and decisions that seem to be pressing on my thoughts. It often reminds me of the old song "Can't get a job cause I ain't got a car, ain't got a car cause I ain't got no money, ain't got money cause I can't get a job."



I love working for IV- I love working at Wellesley with the WIVCF chapter. It's inspiring, challenging, motivating, and energizing. I get to meet students from all different backgrounds, engage in deep conversations about their lives and personal beliefs regardless of worldviews, and raise the awareness through action and personal engagement with social justice in how to serve our direct community, the greater Boston community and the rest of the world. Spend time with people, look at Jesus' life, discuss heart issues and then go out to love the world the way Jesus' taught us with His life- it's such an enriching and 'my personality'-shaped job.



These feelings lead me to lean towards possibly going on staff full-time and making the 3 year commitment....however I hesitate because there is no medicine in that picture. There is no sports medicine or physical therapy in a picture of being on staff for 3 years. Staff is very fulfilling and rewarding, and an almost perfect 'me' job- except it lacks the growth in knowledge for helping people heal physically. There's something with massaging, stretching, bandaging, and rehabbing athletes back to health that is so satisfying. I love learning about the body and being able to contribute my time and resources to help people get well. Both externally as in Physical Therapy and internally, like with nursing or being a PA. I have never interned beyond a couple days as a PA, but the combination of working in the ATR with IV makes me think things would be as close to perfect as I could ever imagine a job to become.



These thoughts lead me to the dilema of whether I apply for PA or PT schools in the next few months or put that on hold (if forever) and just stick with IV. Putting the schools on hold makes me anxious since it removes me farther from my background education in biology and chemistry, as well as away from my clinical experience hours, yet at the same time, not returning to IV staff next year is also a worrisome thoughts/idea. If I ever would want to go back onto staff, starting to raise a support team and partners from scratch would be even more daunting than having people continue with me and just adding more partners to the list of support if I go full-time.



Of course I can't think of next year's job without contemplating my housing situation. I love my roommates dearly, they are fantastic and I couldn't ask for a more stress-free environment to come home to each night. However, the 1 hr commute out to Wellesley and 40 min return trip home, every day becomes exhausting. up to 10 hours just commuting each week is not my cup of tea. And living in Porter, as convenient to commercial centers as it can be, makes me feel guilty and spoiled- as if I am another one of those apathetic affluent Christians who talks about caring and giving to those in need, but if you watch their lifestyles of where they live, work, what they have etc. they are just hypocrites.



Driving to work every day and spending hundreds of dollars on gas- makes me feel like a hypocrite. Yet friends need rides so it's an act of love and service to use my car....dilema.

*note: originally written on Nov. 5th- not sure why it wasn't posted that day too *

what's to hold onto?

Slowly my life is unfolding itself. I have decided to go on staff with IV back at Wellesley next year for at least a year part-time. I'm really excited about it- just everything that I've seen Him doing there already, conversations, relationships, areas to grow and support that community of women. Opportunities to serve Him and care for the needs of Wellesley, Boston, or going on trips like KRUP or to Guatemala to share what we've been blessed with to those who don't have at all or have lost what they did have. I'm out in Iowa visiting my relatives and family for a few weeks, and the flooding out here just breaks my heart. Reminds me of Katrina's disasters yet hardly anyone really knows how bad it is until they see it. I heard of the floods on TV while back in NY but didn't realize the drastic impact it had on all those here in Iowa, or how hard hit the Midwest really was. Their whole lives from their farms (which is their crops and thus their financial support to live off of for the year) are submerged underwater and thus lost, along with homes, stores, cars, family members and any special mementos. It breaks my heart to see them trying to get back on their feet with only the clothes on their backs- no home, job, possessions, just their internal drive to keep living the next day. Makes me wonder how those who don't have a purpose in life can choose to live each day with nothing to live for. Life would be so meaningless without knowlegde or an understanding of why we are here, the hope and strength to know what to live for, and the greater things out there beyond what we might typically lean on for security.

I've kind of been challenged in these same ways, but to a different degree and different purpose. I need to share with others my heart for Wellesley and why I've chosen to go work there rather than getting a high paying job in I-Banking, going on for a PhD in Sociology or going on to MedSchool next year. Many people ask- "How's this going to help you make money? How will you support yourself?" and that's when I need to remember God's promises that He will provide the support and necessities of life that I will need each day, so that I can live from one day to the next without knowing many months down the road other than that it will be okay because He is my security.

Oh the lessons that we will continue to learn, even after we've graduated and are no longer attending classes- life itself is the largest class you'll ever attend and everyday there's an exam. At least in life, failing a test helps you learn more and prepare yourself better in the future to do better in life farther down the road. Although Turkish soccer would prove me wrong- 3 comebacks in Euro2008, first team ever to win after being behind in 3 games, each game more exciting of a comeback than the one before. The best against Croatia yesterday- although they would be better off (maybe?) if they solidified their wins early on in the games rather than waiting until the last possible moment. But hey- games aren't over until the fat lady sings right? so winning at the end is all that matters. Actually I take that back, Turkish soccer is a good image of what life is like- what it looks like at the end once everything is done is what matters most and the mistakes along the way can be overlooked.

En Büyük Türkiye Başka Büyük Yok!

En Büyük Türkiye Başka Büyük Yok!
En Büyük Türkiye Başka Büyük Yok!
En Büyük Türkiye Başka Büyük Yok!

OLAAAAY, OLAY, OLAY, OLAYYYY- Türkiyeeee!! Türkiyeeee!!



You grow up with pride- for your country, for your family and for the sports that penetrate the culture to such an extent that everyone knows the names of the teams and major events are rescheduled around the nights of the biggest, most important games. Futbol (soccer) was that sport for me. And it's with great pride and joy that I watch and cheer on for the Turkish National team- whoever they are playing and wherever I am.

I thought I was excited about the Lakers winning game 3 last night- and I was. But my excitement was not equal to being ecstatic and the extent to which my heart was pulled back-and-forth watching each 'score' was nothing in comparison to watching Turkey play Switzerland in Euro2008 today. Watching each pass intently, yelling at the TV when a foul was missed or a yellow card was pulled unnecessarily, cheering at the top of my lungs, clapping and singing to celebrate each Turkish goal- it brought me back home and made me miss the atmosphere of watching games in Turkey with Turkish fans. I guess Americans haven't really gotten into soccer here, they have too many other sports that pull their attention away from soccer. Not to say that I don't enjoy watching a good basketball or American Football game- but the intensity of the players, the spirit of the fans, and just the overall atmosphere is very different from being at a soccer arena or watching in a Turkish cafe with friends.

I am proud that Turkey won today.
I am proud to be part Turkish.
And I am proud to know there are good things about various cultures- and to make a perfect life you'd have to take a little bit of everything and mix it all together :-)

Let's go Turkey- win EURO2008!

Patterns

It's funny how sometimes life repeats itself. I was going through some old High School publications and found this poem that I wrote. It has just as much meaning now as it did then, yet bizarrely in a different way.

The Enigmatic Portrait
When looking at the painting,
Its passionate bold colors strike me
As pleasantly inviting,
Yet there's something more that I see

When looking at the painting,
There is a greater lure,
It is mystical and charming,
Yet its true profound meaning, I am unsure

When looking at the painting,
My heart longs to know more,
A real understanding,
Yet my mind hits a closed door

When looking at the painting,
I become bamboozled and confused,
Its facade is beguiling,
Yet my inquisitiveness is pursued

When looking at the painting,
I meditate on it for hours,
Seeking a better appreciation
For this masterpiece of art.

Merhabba Dunyasi

Wellesley was a beautiful place to spend four years- four years where pressure really created diamonds and gems of priceless value which I will now have for the rest of my life. It was real. It was life- friends, Ultimate, fellowship, academic classes, faith, music, tears, joys, heartaches, laughter, conversations, stars, rain, walks, being the cookie, and being the senior mentor. I've learned more while being at Wellesley just living life than any class could ever teach me. And I think through it all it's made me that much more ready to step out and try to do things that I'm afraid of failing at. I've learned scars need to be reopened if they were infected when they first 'healed' over and even if the process hurts, it makes you a better and stronger person in the end. I've learned to not be afraid of the initial pain that reopening things can cause because in doing so, it will end the long, dull throbbing that was there before replacing it with soothing healing.
I'm scared of the unknown and unexpected, what I cannot predict nor have control over- but I am ready to move forward despite the fear. If I don't move on, I'll be left here without anything to hold onto. God has a plan for me and that plan is ahead of me. It is not here, right now, planning to stay here for the rest of my life or in the past of the things I've done- if it's not here, then I shouldn't stay here either.
I feel like a child again- letting go of Wellesley the same way I let go of my parents' hands when learning to walk, or letting go of Turkey as a teenager when I had to learn a new culture and lifestyle that was not my own. Wellesley wasn't comfortable when I started there, nor was falling on my face with those first few steps, or moving into an anti-Middle Eastern world when all I wanted to do was go back home to the country I loved. I felt uncomfortable, lonely, lost and hurt that friends weren't as close as they had been when I was with them. And I know I'll go through that all again in this cycle called life. But I am ready because I know it will come. I am glad I've lived through it before and have those experiences to learn from. I am glad I went through those experiences to become the woman I am today. I am looking forward to what the future holds and how I will continue to grow through whatever lies ahead, whatever thorns, whatever roses, whatever building stones my Father uses to build me into the masterpiece He has designed for me to be. I just pray that some of the friends of my past will hold on and walk along side, becoming the scaffolding that supports me as I rise.