I think 'graduating' is finally hitting me

I graduated from Wellesley in '08. And I LOVED my first year out of college- I had a good support network at both of my new jobs, had a solid and wonderful community in my apartment to come home to, LOVED my job and gained so much energy and excitement from what I did, kept in touch with friends in the Boston area, was playing ultimate, meeting new friends and deeply connecting with them on staff and just enjoying the new freedom of young adult life without the stress of school. I recently realized, it was a dream world. That only lasted a year. In many ways, while I had 'graduated' from Wellesley- I still had not left the comfort of Wellesley- of free food, of friends of a wide variety from classes, the Whiptails and IV, of having random deep intellectual discussions with the professors as they came in and out of the office, of knowing my place on campus and just continuing with the deep friendships and mentorships that already existed. My supervisor I had known for 5 years, she knew me inside and out and knew how to help me grow and flourish in my new role as staff. My roommates while I had never lived with them before, I knew them, and so it was not long before I could talk and share whatever came to mind, laugh, tease, joke around or cry with them. The only real 'transitions' were moving up to Charis but over the course of the year, I now feel very comfortable in most of the Charis circles and have enjoyed getting to know new people, meeting the other IV staff which I feel like I have settled into minus the recent campus change, and other 'life' transitions related to no longer being a student such as financial matters and taking care of a house, car & food.

NOW- over a year later, I am dealing with what everyone else dealt with when they first graduated... I have a new full-time job, a new supervisor and new co-workers, a new environment of where I work where I don't understand the culture or expectations, I am not known, I have a new roommate and I need to foster up some energy from somewhere even after I'm drained from coming home from the new job to try to connect with her, I no longer feel like I have support- I miss my friends and no longer have a deep passion that drives my life. I don't know where it went or why it's gone, but it seems as if no matter what I do, I'm never satisfied and always longing for more- even if I'm spending time with God, it's not been fully satisfying and I still want more- which doesn't help in productivity levels. Even just chilling with friends doing random things that used to be fun like going out for drinks, playing sports, frolicking in the fields, star gazing, or baking cookies is no longer fun and I leave those situations not feeling myself and feeling as if something is lacking. I feel like I've transitioned into not knowing who I am or how I fit in with any of the groups of people I hang out with or work with, and therefore, do not feel myself and am constantly drained. But never refilled. It's starting to break for me. But I don't know what to do or where to go to fix it- part of me wants to run back to Wellesley where I know my place, go back to WIVCF where I know the women and know God's heart and vision and where He wants to be moving on the campus. I've tried running to the guys and few girls in my small group, but there seems to be nothing there other than people to be around me so I'm never physically alone. I miss Wallis and Diana- the two people who would always look out for me and ask me how I was doing, even if I had just spent the past hour listening to how they were doing. Wallis asked me before she left if I was going to be okay once she was in DC, if I had people who would stop to check in on me and make sure I was cared for/taken care of- I told her I didn't know. I think now I realize, no not really- but it should be okay because God is there even if no one else is. While I'm tired of being the one who notices how others are doing or responds accordingly, I have built up too much of a wall to self protect that I don't seem capable of answering someone honestly when they ask how I am doing. I say fine and move on because I don't think anyone can help, and I'd rather not burden them. I also don't trust that they really care to know- that is' just a formality. yet I do miss the people in my life who I knew when they asked how I was doing, they cared to hear the response, even if they couldn't do anything but listen. Why do I run away from those people and only put myself in situations where I am the only one asking? It is almost as if I am getting 'fulfilled' by being needed- and that is better than being as empty as can be and not even having that thus I go back to those hard places again and again and again until I can get past all this and go back to being myself, trusting people and being alive with the passions and joy God used to constantly fill me with. I need to let go- let myself get hurt and see where God will take me from there.

I don't like this real world beyond the Wellesley bubble that I now have to graduate and move into....