Sometimes I wonder if others ever have those weeks when it seems as if every part of your life is being shaken up and you have to wait for things to resettle before picking up your habits and getting back to the normal way of living life. Most of the things for me, are things that I am just used to dealing with daily like friends, my church, my family, going to the gym, music, work, conversations, meals, my room, my faith and sports. Yet for some reason- these past two weeks have been overload of "think about this" " what's the connection between X & Y?" "why are you avoiding Z?" "how is W helping you grow?" "have you ever really dealt properly with V? if not, why?"
This whole year since graduating and leaving Wellesley, I feel as if I have been standing outside as it is starting to rain- first a few droplets which go unnoticed, then a slight pitter-patter which is refreshing, and as time passes the raining becomes more noticeable and more persistent. Right now I feel like I've just noticed it is no longer 'spitlets' but a steady downpour and I do not know when or where it started, or why I am standing out here without an umbrella. I think in images to help myself understand what's going on- words can get a little confusing, so I'm sorry if these words are not quite clear.
Most people go through 'finding themselves' while in College- figuring out how their past has shaped them and where they want to go in life. Wellesley sheltered me in a lot of ways. While I did do some 'finding' of myself, I was so bombarded with new people and ideas that I pretty much only spent my time investing and figuring out the people around me. I tend to be more interested in listening to others than to myself, or seeking out who someone else is than understanding myself. This year has thrown that upside down for me, and as a few friends have said, "It's about time."
I started off the year making a commitment to not get involved in a relationship but rather focus on God, adjusting to life post-college, my friends, family and ministry with WIVCF. I knew there were things I needed to learn and thus needed the space, time and energy to devote to them rather than being distracted or needing to invest heavily in one individual. Yet as life started rolling, I am a creature of habit and again filled my time with people. New people- students on campus, my new staff colleagues, neighbors, friends' boyfriends, professors. Anyone and everyone. Except myself. I don't know why, but when I need the most alone/me time- it is when I feel guiltiest to take time to myself and then go out and set-up even more hang-outs with friends to keep myself busy and always on the go. I get energy from people, but I do not get self-introspection from others. And I think that is partly why I enjoy being around people so much. I don't want to know the workings behind my actions, I"m scared I won't like what I see and I appreciate having a positive outlook on life & myself right now. I've gone through the years of disliking myself and would like to be content for a little while before tearing up all the crap that needs to be dealt with.
But God has a different plan. He's been ripping up that crap from my life and showing it to me like we are cleaning house- the cobwebs under the stairs that I just didn't want to bother with so I put a bookcase in front of, or the piles of old junk in the attic which I had conveniently locked up and tried to forget where I'd put the key. I am more aware of this now than ever before since for the season of Lent I've given up Gchat- my escape from myself into the lives of others. I enjoy hearing how others are doing, knowing what they are learning, doing, how God is at work in their lives, joys, laughs, sorrows, and how I can be a supportive sister to them. I can spend so many hours on Gchat connecting and growing in friendships, that I avoid the pain of looking into my own life to figure things out. Until God places other friends into those conversations to do the self-examination for me: friends who see my life and see how I'm running away from dealing with problems, or ask me to examine and explain to them how my actions or thoughts line up with commitments they've heard me say, or values they've heard me share. It's amazing how God will use others to knock on the door to your life when you have come to recognize His knock and choose not to answer it.
I now have time and space to sit and wrestle with the dirt and mold that is accumulating in this house of my life- recognizing that as with anything else, the longer you let it sit and accumulate, the uglier & dirtier it becomes, and harder it is to clean it all out later down the road.
I have always said- the state of my room is a reflection of my mind and my life: my room was drastically bothering me for the longest time so I was just avoiding it and living in other places during the day to just come home and crash at night. I knew I couldn't do anything even if I wanted to to change it by myself, so I asked a good friend to come and help me reorganize & clean out my room so I can now be at ease here and feel at home. It is now time to do the same thing with the rest of my life.
